unrealistic

I really wonder am i more unrealistic than the school. Seriously, what is the whole main point to stress us up and give us really hard questions for exams, that the chance of it coming out in O'levels are minute, or mabye as microscopic as a virus. It is an unrealistic paper to sit for, seeing that the ten year series questions are way within our reach. Or am in the unrealistic one, trying to score top marks for emaths, just because i got lucky and had three consecutive full mark quizes. My mother says im always streching my abilities and limits, setting very high expectations for myself. I guess i am doing so, because when i fail, it's a big blow to me. I want to do my utmost best in everything, but life is not as smooth as our curve ruler. Sometimes i reflect back on the things i i've lost during my years of growing up. Losing the postion of CL when there wasnt even any real competiton, losing control of myself and succumbing to pressure during exams, losing marks in test which was made by really careless mistakes, worst- losing confidence in myself and in the things i do, i feel kind of childish, and wondered why did it matter so much to me. Why is it that i hold on so much to something that i so strongly belive that i can achieve. That strong sense of believement made me think that it should be that way, i should achieve it, and if it doent become a reality, i crumble, i fall, and i still believed that i achieved it, despite the evidence of reality.

I really admire those who won't collapse under the pressure of how people criticise your work, especially in art. I always feel so inferior when i look at the people around me, how they can compose their artwork well, how they can grasp the technique of playing with acrylic. I always feel that no matter what i do, there is room for improvement, i don't want competition with people who are not as good as me, i want competition with people who are better than me, i want greater self achievements. Am i streching myself too much? Am i overworking myself? Why can't i relax and take things easy? My perfectionistic view towards art is doing more harm than good too me, why can't i just accept flaws, why should i bother so much about something insignificant. I don't know.

It's so confusing to understand yourself sometimes, i wonder if psycologist needs another psycologist to understand him/herself... Oh well, better stop thinking so much, i need some shaker fries...